Be careful what you wish for

In my latest blog I was writing about how to not always know what we want, so in this blog I am going to talk about something that´s quite the opposite- and that is our desires. Desire is the strongest energy that drives us. It is our vital life force so if there is no desire, there is nothing but stagnation. To put it at its simplest: Desire is the active process of living, it´s our evolutionary impulse. Desire comes in a wide variety of different natures, pooled in three different types, I would say: sexual desire, emotional desire and materialistic desire.

The top-line motivation for all our desires is one simple thing- the pursuit of happiness. At the end of the day everybody just wants to be happy. Simple as that. Right? Right. Buddhist and Hindu practices have been talking about desire as a thing we should overcome, because that´s the thing that causes us our suffering. Actually though desire has to be in our system for us to move forward, otherwise we would not be on an evolutionary path (and life would be so darn boring, too. Cheers to hedonism.) Desire just has this bad rep because we think it is only object-seeking and as I said before because it´s causing us pain, but if you look at it from another angle it´s obviously only causing us pain once we have hopped on the wheel of hope and fear and went for the dependend relationship between our inner self and the desires we have. Like they magically have to make us happy and nurture that longing. 

So Tantra and eastern philosphy say there is a whole topic of how to actually not go for satisfaction of that desire, but learn how to just be with it instead. Apparently we will come to realize that it´s the sensation of the desire itself that´s nourishing that hunger inside us, not the actual satisfaction of the desire. In that case the idea would be to separate the impulse of desire from the idea of that we have to have the object of desire and therefore kill the ignition. Also, to separate the symbol (I want the money, I want the relationship, I want the plane ticket to Bali) from the deeper underlying wish (I want to be happy, I want to be fulfilled). I guess it´s like the moment before that first kiss. It´s the moment when ignition start burning up inside you and you know it will take you somewhere. I´m not going deeper into this though because it would just break the mould for now and also I honestly am not at that point yet that I would have internalized this fully. Not all all, actually for now I am all for just going for it!

We act on our desires individually, to put it the buddhist way there is three different ways we approach our desire: Passion, aggression and ignorance. So passion obviously would be to go for it, grab it and own it, aggression would manifest itself through demonizing the object/person/idea of desire and pushing that thing/person/idea away and last but not least ignorance would appear by being unclear and not actually really knowing what you want respectively staying passive and not pursuing it. (Something/Someone better could come along, right? What if I get hurt or don´t even want it any more once I have it?) Desire is nothing we decide ourself, it´s something that takes us, it just happens in us. So we can either follow it (passion), turn it down (aggression) or not be able to decide (ignorance).

Ok so there is more, obviously it´s not that easy. We do have competing desires. There are unconscious shadow desires running in our lives in opposite to those tangible and conscious desires, and those are the ones getting in our way. We actually have a whole other matrix of unconscious desires operating from outside our awareness distracting and misleading us from that golden thread.

We are always being driven by desire and we are always in alignment with our desire, but we don´t always consciously know what our desire is, actually. Our lives are mostly the way they are because our desire had them be that way. True story. How can that be, right? What kind of an idiot would say that, since obviously so many things in our lives are totally not the way we want them to be...grouch grouch, meh. Well, you can send your fuck-you card to your competing desire. They come up all over the place, so when you have two or more desires (most of the time they tend to be radically contrary) the most powerful desire wins.

I will try to get more eidetic and give you a true-to-live-example:

For me personally there is on the one hand the desire to be out there in the world, participate, engage and connect, and then there is a competing desire sometimes also to basically live like a hermit in total silence and total disconnection from the world. They seem to be competing in the beginning, but once they have found their own voice, they will get much more cooperative with each other and sometimes the dynamic tension is not as tense as we think and sometimes they actually can co-exist next to each other very well and can hybrid with each other.

Another competing desire of mine is the wish for a nourishing , caring and loving relationship and on the other side the wish for independence, freedom and travelling. They seem to be competing and contrary also, but even that can be managed – that person just has to have similar desires so they can hybrid naturally and be then beneficial for both. (Talking theoretically here, if you find him, ring a bell. haha)
Also I think it´s question of what type of character you are. I personally have to have these polarities in my life, that´s how I function, it´s in my nature to live in extremes and that´s probably why many of those desires that seem to be competing and paradox actually still can coexist peacefully next to each other, because the one desire feeds the other and the other way around.

If there are competing desires that cannot co-exist, it seems like it´s causing issues for us. In order to suss that out we have to be dead-honest with ourselfes and find out what´s our topline desire. (Blue pill or red pill?)

Your topline desire is the biggest thing you can think of. That something you stand for in life, that something that seem to be the key to your own happiness. (is it love and relationship? Is it tranquillity and peace? Is it absolute non-attachment and freedom?) If you have got that figured out and not have gotten fooled by some other subliminal and/or unconscious desires, it will help you guide you through competing desires.

So how do we do that? Let them be there for some time, hold them and be aware of them without trying to suppress the tension they are causing and then listen to your inner you and eliminate all those (false or contrary) desires that mislead you from that one big desire that drives you, that is your elementary life force. So once you found clarity about your main desire, you will come to see what other desires are holding you back from it and preventing you from getting closer to it. It can be seen  as a filter-mechanism, once your topline desire is clear, you can put your energy towards that topline desire and not get distracted from all those other desires. That can be done by bringing your subliminal desires to consciousness and then understand how they operate and how they drive your decisions, fears and longings. Also it might be a good start to just accept that there will always be some paradoxical energy of competing desires and their dynamic tension will always be there. That´s theoretically too though, because it´s easier said then done of course.

I will go for a cup of tea now, desire and satisfaction, easy.